Let’s face it, The Apprentice officially jumped the shark last season with casting. This season shows the depths Donald Trump will stoop to for ratings on Celebrity Apprentice. One look at the cast of ‘celebrities’…and the fact that they actually use the Patsy Cline tune “Crazy” to pimp the show, was like waiting for a train wreck to happen. The cast of Celebrity Apprentice 2011: *humming “Crazy”*
Donald Trump decided to start the teams split men vs. women, not much new there.
Men’s team: Backbone (yep)
Richard Hatch (from Survivor and federal prison)
David Cassidy (from The Partridge Family more on him here)
Jose Canseco (huge former baseball player)
Lil’ Jon (um, I think he’s a rapper)
John Rich (half of Big & Rich country duo… I’m not calling him little, but he’s the Rich half)
Meatloaf (the other half of Crazy as Hell with Gary Busey.. Just kidding!)
Mark McGrath (former singer, now karaoke TV host)
…and Academy Award nominee Gary Busey *humming louder*
Women’s Team: ASAP(P) Authors, Singers…no wait, Artists, Singers, Authors, Pickles... No wait...
Star Jones (former lawyer, former talk show host)
Dionne Warwick (former singer, I just can’t call her legendary)
NeNe Leakes (um, she’s a rich housewife somewhere)
Marlee Matlin (I have no idea what Marlee is doing here, I hope she makes a ton of money…Academy Award winner)
LaToya Jackson (bucket full of crazy… MJ’s sister, and now strange twin)
Hope Dworaczyk (Playmate centerfold, how did she make the show?)
Lisa Rinna (um, she’s married to Harry Hamlin who used to be a star)
Niki Taylor (pretty blond model, and extremely hard worker)
So now you see what we’re dealing with here. Any real work will be fiction this season, and that’s not a bad thing necessarily. Donald Trump knows how to get attention. This is how, by staging a train wreck and telling us where and when it will happen weekly.
This week the two teams were to run a pizza shop in NYC and, of course, raise as much money as possible for charity. The winning team would get an additional $35,000 added to their total from Trump. The recession must be treating him well. There was also another $35,000 bonus during the contest, but the winning team failed to collect it.
Trump sent celebrity chef Curtis Stone down to taste test the two shops’ pizza. The winner of the taste test would have to deliver eight pizzas to a firehouse by the end of the task. ASAP won (the ladies), but their van got stuck in traffic and apparently all of their celebrity legs were broken. They left the money on the table and the firemen hungry.
Meanwhile, Backbone (the guys) were being drilled by Heir Richard Hatch… ALL HAIL! King Richard ran his ship with an iron fist. Unfortunately for David Cassidy that iron fist kept coming down on him. The bullying was obvious, as Hatch actually pushed and poked David Cassidy
out of his way. No one said anything to Hatch (which leads me to believe he will someday have his own cult), until they got to the boardroom.Stationed outside for the men... Gary Busey in his magic "Pepperoni Profit" suit. Busey made it clear in the boardroom that it was not a religious prophet, but the money kind. His job was to pull in street traffic... or scare it off, whatever. Flinging pepperoni slices in the air and yelling at the top of his lungs, "Wherever the pepperoni lands, that's where the miracle happens!"
The women were really raking in the donations. Star Jones
got into her NY rolodex deep and found the pot of gold. With 48 deliveries lined up for a total donation of $75,000, she decided to close the doors and concentrate on getting those out and ready to go. Star closed the shop to walk-in customers. Then she negotiated the 40 pizza order down to 20 pizzas (still for $40,000), and had them ready. The delivery team, led by Lisa Rinna, had a full hour to deliver the last 8 for the $35,000 bonus (they did not know how much it was worth, but still). They just sat in the van until time ran out.In the boardroom, things started off friendly enough. As promised it devolved quickly. Star Jones pointed out that that delivery team was led by Lisa Rinna. NeNe backed up Star, and Marlee Matlin
said it was a “fault of time”…then Gary Busey
’s cell phone rang.It got a little weirder after the cell phone call. Gary got it figured out, but it brought Trump’s attention and a playful “Gary, you’re fired… I’m only kidding” from The Donald.
Once Trump turned to the men, Jose Canseco turned on Richard Hatch. Jose called Richard “very, very lucky to have this all star team that he has.” Canseco then proceeded to tell on Hatch for bullying David Cassidy throughout the task, saying, “I stand up for the underdog.” Meanwhile, David Cassidy seemed to be visibly shrinking in his chair between Hatch and Canseco.
The men still thought they had won the task, but in reality it wasn’t even close. Team ASAP (the women) won by a landslide, raising $170,000 (counting all their bonus money) for Star Jones’ charity, The American Heart Association, Niki Taylor’s charity the American Red Cross.
The men had to stay in the boardroom. There was about to be a firin’!
Richard Hatch was immediately on the radar to be fired. He was the failed PM, and none of his team liked him. The more he talked to defend himself, the worse he looked. The main issue was the bullying of David Cassidy and Hatch’s refusal to admit it. Hatch then proceeded to call David Cassidy a “little person” and “delicate”… before explaining that he simply meant David had to be handled differently since he was such a big star.
After a few incoherent outbursts, even Gary Busey said Richard Hatch had to be fired on Celebrity Apprentice. In fact everyone on team Backbone were in agreement on that one. Donald Trump still had Richard Hatch call in two men, Canseco and Cassidy, to get thumped some more.
I was so hoping the boardroom table and chairs would be gone and a UFC fighting octagon would be in it’s place. Come on, Trump, if you’re gonna do it… I wanted a cage match between Jose Canseco and Richard Hatch. And no getting naked Hatch!
We may still get to see that special cage match, since David Cassidy did little to defend himself in the final boardroom. Richard Hatch ate him alive, not letting him answer or gather his thoughts. To be fair, Cassidy did not appear to have many thoughts. We saw him expire his single contact, apparently, when he called his daughter Gossip Girls star Casey Cassidy asking for a donation. It was sad, and I’m glad I won’t have to see anymore of that. Mercifully, Donald Trump finally fired a speechless David Cassidy in the first Celebrity Apprentice boardroom of the season.
*Now humming “Come on Get Happy
!”*Here is your boardroom drama as it unfolded:
Copyright @ 2008 TV Review
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